Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
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If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
I don’t get marriage
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.