(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
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If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.