I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
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Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.