o shit
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all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.