Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
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[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
S/o to @funTweeters .
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”