I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
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[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.