I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
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I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Cartman: Respect my
a a
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Home #decor warning.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.