1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
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Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Legend 🤣🤣
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.