I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
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My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous
me: hey, danger’s my middle name
daughter: WHAT?!?
son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.