BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
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me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.