I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
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Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip