I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
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[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
notice
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.