Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
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Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Word.
~ Microsoft.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
(Gaming support cat.)
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”