Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
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Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.