Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
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Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great