Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
You Might Also Like
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?