One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
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You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
How do dragons blow out candles?
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words