I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
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I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
monday
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*