My neck my back my allergy attack
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I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.