“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
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Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.