I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
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“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”