BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
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My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
inventing words: clothing
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.