Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 馃槣
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Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn鈥檛 remember the title or what it鈥檚 about.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
(Gaming support cat.)
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don鈥檛 poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we鈥檙e breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don鈥檛 you have XBox to play or something?
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef鈥檚 Hat: he knows too much
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It鈥檚 similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.