[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
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If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Lmao
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*