Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
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Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?