I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
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When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
My birthstone is kidney
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.