where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
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Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
🤣🤣🤣
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.