Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
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Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Crying is a sign of leakness.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…