*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
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[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Wait a minute
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
I’m not proud
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.