My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
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Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Effort made
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]