[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
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Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won