me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
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“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
me when the borders lift
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh