Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
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If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
this article brought to you by lions
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
#FunnyLife Insects
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend