Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
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Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room