Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
You Might Also Like
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
my lower back watching me try to live my life
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone