Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
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Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.