there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
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being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
when you don’t want to be too vague
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
That’s amazing.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.