Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
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It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.