[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
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I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit