I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
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Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.