Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
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So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.