I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
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I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
This has made my week.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.