I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
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ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
i will not be silenced
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.