Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
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Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
All. The. Damn. Time.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?