Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
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If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.