4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
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Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.