why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
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I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
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Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.