Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
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And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Saw online –
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.