Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
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I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?