I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
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Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Meme Monday.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!